Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…