I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then