Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Lmfaoooooo
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.