APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
You Might Also Like
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.