Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?