Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.