I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
This is a whole mood;
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
i meant to share this earlier
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.