Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?