I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Same pineapple, same
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.