[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
twitter users today:
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,