People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
#ParentingFacts
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
So glad we cleared that up
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go