– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
AM I BEING GASLIT????
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious