Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am