Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.