My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.