[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
channeling her this year
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.