Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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Expectations vs. Reality
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The days of good grammer has went
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read