Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
ACED my prostate exam!
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”