I think I’m having a stroke
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
do horses think humans are hats
excuse me
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol