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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Peace was never an option
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes