WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.