cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Covid like
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I support this random dude and all his protests
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.