A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..