My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send