Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m about to risk it all
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.