“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.