I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”