My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!๐๐๐
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I donโt think weโre allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. dangerโs my middle name… unfortunately my first nameโs stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
my immune system told me itโs a lover not a fighter
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasnโt sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: thereโs no โuโ in team
Canadian: weโll see about that bud
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. ๐
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they havenโt stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just ยฃ5.99.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists donโt just develop โnanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.โ So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up heโd appreciate it thnx
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way iโll never be going back to sleep again
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Go to a doctor?
When thereโs all this free advice on the internet?