Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
You Might Also Like
*limbos away from your hug*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.