Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
You Might Also Like
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Unexpected Judgment
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share