Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!