Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want