Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol