When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.