Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok