Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
This has made my week.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…