Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??