Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Natty or not?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.