Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together