when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Trains are just sideway elevators.