my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave