My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
B
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow