i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Everyone has that one friend they鈥檝e known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it鈥檚 too late to ask
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
馃槑 馃嵒
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don鈥檛 sync your watches before a mission
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter