i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“The Perfect Relationship”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters