I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
You Might Also Like
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
#Caturday
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
just gave your address to some spiders
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.