Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”