[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Thank you corporation very cool
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
And now we wait
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
He’s dead
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato