The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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