I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
You Might Also Like
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
ugh not again
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.