Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*